Looking out the window

I only turned my eyes from you for about 15 sec....not even that.
The sun that lit you face is gone leaving no proof of once having been there.
The calmed stillness of your face seems to disappeared with the fiery light. Now, the little life you have leaves without saying goodbye.
The coldness creeps in; the shadows are overcomed by the darkness that surrounds you. Soon, the one dying next to you is out of your sight; and even though, he's still there, the darkness filling your eyes and the deafening noise of silence isolate you from each other.
Now you whish....not knowing what to whish for. You have forgotten where you came from and despise the place you find yourself in.
With that I leave, but you never knew I was here. I probably was a product of your imagination.....or a thought that fights for your attention.

Christmas is gone....on this side of the world

It's almost 4 am and in this part of the world (Romania), Christmas is gone. Two more weeks and I'll be back in Indiana (USA), back in school, back to everyone.
How, or who is going back is the question though...

While I was snowboarding yesterday, i felt once again the frustration of not being able to scape my torture. Blinded by the snow and the fogg, i was forced to keep going until I reached the bottom of the mountain. My back ached, my wrists hurt, and the snow was way too deep. A couple of tears watered my tired eyes as I struck the snow in a futile attempt to let my frustration be known. None of that was helpful. My only option was to get up and keep going. I reached the bottom, and soon, those watery eyes up there on the mountain seemed silly and somewhat a part of the coward me.....

Today, as if yesterday wasn't enough, I realized how much my ego could hurt. As if a comment or a "hello" mattered that much. Who knows what's going trough people's heads...I don't. Still...how much importance a place on "hello's" or "how are you's" (i don't think that made sense......oh well...)

I won't go to bed yet...I will look out the window...and wondered how many "hello's" or "goodbye's" Jesus didn't receive....then, probably mine will shrink before my eyes and life will go on....

unforgettable

Today is one of those days....one of the days when i miss wat too many things...when I miss way too many people...even those who I thought to have forgotten...
suddenly the slightest shadow seems to outline that smile that I've thought to have erased with other smiles...but I hadn't forgotten...

I haven't forgotten....it's hard to forget....it's hard to erase....it's easy to cover up....not easy to replace...

When it all comes to an end....no one wants to forget...or no one needs to forget...that is according to the logic that what we go trough are light pencil lines that trace a picture on paper...some lines are darker and bolder than others, but they all draw to the same goal...

Whether i want to forget or not...i cannot force myself, but i can let it rest...let the tide do as it wishes with my memories..they might awake rested and ready to wrestle with my logic...until then...goodbye to you...the everlasting unforgettable thought...

Expectation....inspite of...

Despite the ice on the ground, my futile attempts to not fall, and the million things that I have to get done, it's a good day.
Despite the sense that I'm missing something, I feel complete.
Even though nothing interesting is going to happen, I can't help the feeling of expectation.

Expectation....

the wonderful feeling of waiting for something great to happen. For many, a ring on their finger, for others the job of their life. For me...I''m not sure. However, I keep living with my heart beating fast at the thought of something great happening. I can feel it....but I don't understand it.

But understanding is not all in life. We are ironic creatures. Our lives are full with irony that no one knows how to explain. Very few attempt to shade some light upon it, they come to no conclusions...just the fact that the beautiful contradictions make us who we are. They compose a wonderful masterpiece that we cannot help but stare at it in awe.
That's my God...the one who plagued this life with contradictions, and irony with the sole purpose of making me understand that He is God and that I cannot do anything but stare in awe.

and just like that...I'll continue with my day....expecting.