Let me find Naomi...

today somebody told me to "blog" again. they said they missed my "scribbles." to tell the truth i've missed them too. I don't journal because my head is too fast for my hand, and i usually end up frustrated at the fact that i can't get my thoughts out at the same speed they're crossing my mind.
today there's no poem, today there's not much thinking. There's only "thought diarrea" take it as you might. as you might have guess by now. it has been a rough night.

I'm frustrated with my inadequacy. not with my inadequacy to fulfill my "calling" but rather to fulfill the very nature of my creation. What does it mean to be an "ezer kenegdo" you look it up and tell me...because i don't know anymore.

And when the one who has spoken "life" to my nature questions my independence of him, i wonder if i'm to so different from the girl who has been begging for reassurance since age 11.
And when he failed, i turned around and ask someone else to hold my hand...but they turned around, and i sat here...pouring out my brain..because i have no idea what else to pour out.

today i was threathen by him who has protected me my entire life...well, actually he hasn't done it my entire life. He left me and the mercy of the wolf for a good couple of years. i was torn apart while thinking the tearing apart was my price to pay to skip the normal suffering of change.

Soon, i aspire to be a Ruth. But i don't know how. I need a Naomi, but i can't find her either. Is she still mourning the death of her husband and sons? has she decided not to return to the land of her father? Or has she simply abandoned me to my fate?
Lord, hear my cry....before you let me meet booz...let me find Naomi.