out for so long

It's been so long since i've written anything, that even the "blogger beta" is gone, and there some new set up with google...dang kids...
in that time, my parents have tried to fix me, someone tried to get me to buy their books for too much money, and I became desperate to get out of college.
Oh yes, my everlating impatience. nothing new; but i miss someone to tell me to relax...to say, "keren, mañana."
The eagerness was gone, but it has come back stronger...I'm as restless as ever...and what for? Tomorrow i'll wake up, adn time will have not gone by any faster just because i whish it had.
So please...lay down the time countdown to my life...give me a pillo to rest my head...and hold me...
we'll deal with it...tomorrow.

Let me find Naomi...

today somebody told me to "blog" again. they said they missed my "scribbles." to tell the truth i've missed them too. I don't journal because my head is too fast for my hand, and i usually end up frustrated at the fact that i can't get my thoughts out at the same speed they're crossing my mind.
today there's no poem, today there's not much thinking. There's only "thought diarrea" take it as you might. as you might have guess by now. it has been a rough night.

I'm frustrated with my inadequacy. not with my inadequacy to fulfill my "calling" but rather to fulfill the very nature of my creation. What does it mean to be an "ezer kenegdo" you look it up and tell me...because i don't know anymore.

And when the one who has spoken "life" to my nature questions my independence of him, i wonder if i'm to so different from the girl who has been begging for reassurance since age 11.
And when he failed, i turned around and ask someone else to hold my hand...but they turned around, and i sat here...pouring out my brain..because i have no idea what else to pour out.

today i was threathen by him who has protected me my entire life...well, actually he hasn't done it my entire life. He left me and the mercy of the wolf for a good couple of years. i was torn apart while thinking the tearing apart was my price to pay to skip the normal suffering of change.

Soon, i aspire to be a Ruth. But i don't know how. I need a Naomi, but i can't find her either. Is she still mourning the death of her husband and sons? has she decided not to return to the land of her father? Or has she simply abandoned me to my fate?
Lord, hear my cry....before you let me meet booz...let me find Naomi.

happy/sad

"I'm happy sad, i'm broken down"

if you listen to a song way too many times, the words settle within your brain. They hang their pic of the walls of your memories and decide to plant a garden and bury their dead pets underneath it.
Thay might be slightly extreme, but it makes sense somehow.

"The roads don't love you." The roads do love me. They've been the best home i've had.

"I used to be so eager." I'm WAY to eager, too curious. My mom keeps telling me that i should wait and see...but the restlessness kicks in...and i start to pase around the room. You become uncomfortable and leave...then back again to pasing. NOt because i'm waiting for you to move, but because i'm waiting for you to come back. Most of the time you don't.

"i've found the controls, i go were i like...and maybe for now, i'll stay right here..."

yes, those are all lyrics to songs...find them...maybe you'll learn something about the one pasing across the room...me.

"I have the days when it comes easy
My blue eyed boy got show and tell
I need your laugh to make me well
No light is coming through my window

Gotta meet you face to face
Convince you that i’m not so strange

I'm happy sad
I’m broken down
But i’m upbeat when you come around
I’m happy sad it and it comes easy to me
I’m never one or the other

You have knocked me off my track
One lap to go and now i’m last
You know i used to be so eager
Get up, get up, get out of bed
The brightest day that ever led
You know you make me want to try harder

Gotta meet you face to face
Convince you that i’m not so strange
Just happy sad
I’m broken down
But i’m upbeat when come around
I’m happy sad it and it comes easy to me
I’m never one or the other

My friends are few, but that’s o.k
Cos when you’re around it all just fades away
My sadder boy

I’m happy sad
I’m broken down
But i’m upbeat when you come around
I’m happy sad
And it comes easy to me
I’m never one or the other

The road’s don’t love you,
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you
The road’s don’t love you
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you

(some version of Gemma Haye's "happy sad" song)

new journal.

Andre Kertesz was a photographer...enough said.
he kept a journal, not in writing but with photographs.
He divided it into people he knew well and loved and people he would never see again, at least in person.

I think it's a brilliant idea. it's starting today.

a cold...bring out the tea!!!

well, i'm trying to get over a cold that comes to remind me that my body does break at times...yes, i'm not unbreakable..silly me! of course you know that; I just pretend i don't know.

once again the summer is gone. It was good. good times, bad times, frustrating times, surprising times. New and unexpected faces, friends from back in the day, a little waiting, some answers to prayers, good books, bad books, phone calls that make you laugh and cry, some writing, some staring at the clouds....you know...nothing out of the ordinary.

And now, another year...and i'm nervous..not much for classes...i''m nervous and i don't know why. It gives me a feeling of expectation...and if you're a reader of this, you'll notice i talk about "expecting something" a lot.
But what's the fun in not doing that? isn't God so amused by surprising us...i bet He has a big surprise for me...you might think it's small...it'll be huge for me...
So, as I go to bed with a box of tissues and pray to get over this cold, my heart sinks in...i'm excited like a kid at Christmas...i look out the window and pray that you'll stick around to watch the big surprise with me.

the mirror

so tell me then,
what is new about the girl in the mirror
is it that she just discovered that high heals make her feel good..
oh...no...she knew that already...
is it that she had a good hair day? mmm ...no..she's had plenty of those...
is it that she's content missing you..perhaps..

i'm staring at her...hoping she doesn't mind..
i don't think she does, she's too busy pondering herself what's so diferent about today.
She's asking her maker what He has prepared for tomorrow...and she's dreaming about that tomorrow..
she wants to pick up her book, send a picture, and say hello..
while i put into words her rambling thoughts.

A good thunderstorm would come in handy...walk in the rain..jump into a puddle and splash the already soaked ground...watch the squirrel run for its life or simple watch her walk by..another expectator...along with the thousand other blinking in the sky...those are the shy one..the ones in the sky, hiding behind a foggy nonexistent wall..but oh, how...special and few they are....

she'll come back from her walk..we'll talk about it...write a book..and hope that you read it.

b-day whishes

long time no see...
but today is a special day.
it's the b-day...hurray!...20 doesn't feel that different..it never does.

i've been thinking..and remember how exciting your b-day was back in the day?
i would wait for it for 6 months..and it would take forever to get here!..hahah
i would wake up at 6 am..and wait in my bed until my parents woke up and came to sing happy b-day.
everytime i heard them move, i would jump under my blanket and pretend i was asleep.

hahah
they never knew i was pretending to be asleep until I told them last year...that is funny.

well, one more year...it was a good one...lots of laughter..a good share of tears...more than enough lessons learned...but the best part...I felt my God holding my hand.
I didn't opened presents today, but i opened so many presents last year...
I got a mentor, a supportive staff that eventually turned into a circle of friends...

Some old stuff broke and i had to throw them away...but it was time for that stuff to go. So, it's all good.

much more happened...but i bet you don't have to read it...
so let me give you the 5 sec version.
My God was more than faithful last year, and I wasn't really that faithfull to him. Still he gives me another year to hold His hand and walk with him.
Can't wait...
new year...here we go!

Silence

I'm addicted to words...it's the truth.
There is just something sublime about them.
They're so powerful, so delicate, so rude, so deceiving, so true.

But I heard some one's longing for silence.
words get old too.
and I told her that there is some beauty and mistery in the midst of two people being able to sit next to eachother with out having to say a word to know that they are there together.

Then I turned my music off and sat here without writting for a while.
i had a lot to say, but everything is gone.
but don't go....just sit here with me in silence.