Quotable_keb

out for so long

2006-12-30T01:58:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since i've written anything, that even the "blogger beta" is gone, and there some new set up with google...dang kids...
in that time, my parents have tried to fix me, someone tried to get me to buy their books for too much money, and I became desperate to get out of college.
Oh yes, my everlating impatience. nothing new; but i miss someone to tell me to relax...to say, "keren, mañana."
The eagerness was gone, but it has come back stronger...I'm as restless as ever...and what for? Tomorrow i'll wake up, adn time will have not gone by any faster just because i whish it had.
So please...lay down the time countdown to my life...give me a pillo to rest my head...and hold me...
we'll deal with it...tomorrow.

Let me find Naomi...

2006-10-30T01:08:00.000-05:00

today somebody told me to "blog" again. they said they missed my "scribbles." to tell the truth i've missed them too. I don't journal because my head is too fast for my hand, and i usually end up frustrated at the fact that i can't get my thoughts out at the same speed they're crossing my mind.
today there's no poem, today there's not much thinking. There's only "thought diarrea" take it as you might. as you might have guess by now. it has been a rough night.

I'm frustrated with my inadequacy. not with my inadequacy to fulfill my "calling" but rather to fulfill the very nature of my creation. What does it mean to be an "ezer kenegdo" you look it up and tell me...because i don't know anymore.

And when the one who has spoken "life" to my nature questions my independence of him, i wonder if i'm to so different from the girl who has been begging for reassurance since age 11.
And when he failed, i turned around and ask someone else to hold my hand...but they turned around, and i sat here...pouring out my brain..because i have no idea what else to pour out.

today i was threathen by him who has protected me my entire life...well, actually he hasn't done it my entire life. He left me and the mercy of the wolf for a good couple of years. i was torn apart while thinking the tearing apart was my price to pay to skip the normal suffering of change.

Soon, i aspire to be a Ruth. But i don't know how. I need a Naomi, but i can't find her either. Is she still mourning the death of her husband and sons? has she decided not to return to the land of her father? Or has she simply abandoned me to my fate?
Lord, hear my cry....before you let me meet booz...let me find Naomi.

happy/sad

2006-09-17T01:54:00.000-04:00

"I'm happy sad, i'm broken down"

if you listen to a song way too many times, the words settle within your brain. They hang their pic of the walls of your memories and decide to plant a garden and bury their dead pets underneath it.
Thay might be slightly extreme, but it makes sense somehow.

"The roads don't love you." The roads do love me. They've been the best home i've had.

"I used to be so eager." I'm WAY to eager, too curious. My mom keeps telling me that i should wait and see...but the restlessness kicks in...and i start to pase around the room. You become uncomfortable and leave...then back again to pasing. NOt because i'm waiting for you to move, but because i'm waiting for you to come back. Most of the time you don't.

"i've found the controls, i go were i like...and maybe for now, i'll stay right here..."

yes, those are all lyrics to songs...find them...maybe you'll learn something about the one pasing across the room...me.

2006-09-17T01:21:00.000-04:00

"I have the days when it comes easy
My blue eyed boy got show and tell
I need your laugh to make me well
No light is coming through my window

Gotta meet you face to face
Convince you that i’m not so strange

I'm happy sad
I’m broken down
But i’m upbeat when you come around
I’m happy sad it and it comes easy to me
I’m never one or the other

You have knocked me off my track
One lap to go and now i’m last
You know i used to be so eager
Get up, get up, get out of bed
The brightest day that ever led
You know you make me want to try harder

Gotta meet you face to face
Convince you that i’m not so strange
Just happy sad
I’m broken down
But i’m upbeat when come around
I’m happy sad it and it comes easy to me
I’m never one or the other

My friends are few, but that’s o.k
Cos when you’re around it all just fades away
My sadder boy

I’m happy sad
I’m broken down
But i’m upbeat when you come around
I’m happy sad
And it comes easy to me
I’m never one or the other

The road’s don’t love you,
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you
The road’s don’t love you
They still don’t pretend to
The road’s don’t love you

(some version of Gemma Haye's "happy sad" song)

new journal.

2006-08-27T15:01:00.000-04:00

Andre Kertesz was a photographer...enough said.
he kept a journal, not in writing but with photographs.
He divided it into people he knew well and loved and people he would never see again, at least in person.

I think it's a brilliant idea. it's starting today.

a cold...bring out the tea!!!

2006-08-09T01:27:00.000-04:00

well, i'm trying to get over a cold that comes to remind me that my body does break at times...yes, i'm not unbreakable..silly me! of course you know that; I just pretend i don't know.

once again the summer is gone. It was good. good times, bad times, frustrating times, surprising times. New and unexpected faces, friends from back in the day, a little waiting, some answers to prayers, good books, bad books, phone calls that make you laugh and cry, some writing, some staring at the clouds....you know...nothing out of the ordinary.

And now, another year...and i'm nervous..not much for classes...i''m nervous and i don't know why. It gives me a feeling of expectation...and if you're a reader of this, you'll notice i talk about "expecting something" a lot.
But what's the fun in not doing that? isn't God so amused by surprising us...i bet He has a big surprise for me...you might think it's small...it'll be huge for me...
So, as I go to bed with a box of tissues and pray to get over this cold, my heart sinks in...i'm excited like a kid at Christmas...i look out the window and pray that you'll stick around to watch the big surprise with me.

the mirror

2006-07-25T00:24:00.000-04:00

so tell me then,
what is new about the girl in the mirror
is it that she just discovered that high heals make her feel good..
oh...no...she knew that already...
is it that she had a good hair day? mmm ...no..she's had plenty of those...
is it that she's content missing you..perhaps..

i'm staring at her...hoping she doesn't mind..
i don't think she does, she's too busy pondering herself what's so diferent about today.
She's asking her maker what He has prepared for tomorrow...and she's dreaming about that tomorrow..
she wants to pick up her book, send a picture, and say hello..
while i put into words her rambling thoughts.

A good thunderstorm would come in handy...walk in the rain..jump into a puddle and splash the already soaked ground...watch the squirrel run for its life or simple watch her walk by..another expectator...along with the thousand other blinking in the sky...those are the shy one..the ones in the sky, hiding behind a foggy nonexistent wall..but oh, how...special and few they are....

she'll come back from her walk..we'll talk about it...write a book..and hope that you read it.

b-day whishes

2006-07-17T13:52:00.002-04:00

long time no see...
but today is a special day.
it's the b-day...hurray!...20 doesn't feel that different..it never does.

i've been thinking..and remember how exciting your b-day was back in the day?
i would wait for it for 6 months..and it would take forever to get here!..hahah
i would wake up at 6 am..and wait in my bed until my parents woke up and came to sing happy b-day.
everytime i heard them move, i would jump under my blanket and pretend i was asleep.

hahah
they never knew i was pretending to be asleep until I told them last year...that is funny.

well, one more year...it was a good one...lots of laughter..a good share of tears...more than enough lessons learned...but the best part...I felt my God holding my hand.
I didn't opened presents today, but i opened so many presents last year...
I got a mentor, a supportive staff that eventually turned into a circle of friends...

Some old stuff broke and i had to throw them away...but it was time for that stuff to go. So, it's all good.

much more happened...but i bet you don't have to read it...
so let me give you the 5 sec version.
My God was more than faithful last year, and I wasn't really that faithfull to him. Still he gives me another year to hold His hand and walk with him.
Can't wait...
new year...here we go!

Silence

2006-06-07T23:15:00.000-04:00

I'm addicted to words...it's the truth.
There is just something sublime about them.
They're so powerful, so delicate, so rude, so deceiving, so true.

But I heard some one's longing for silence.
words get old too.
and I told her that there is some beauty and mistery in the midst of two people being able to sit next to eachother with out having to say a word to know that they are there together.

Then I turned my music off and sat here without writting for a while.
i had a lot to say, but everything is gone.
but don't go....just sit here with me in silence.

picture

2006-05-30T23:51:00.000-04:00

once again it's been a while
I saw a picture that reminded me of you
and I felt like taking another one.
to update you know.

I've been happy telling stories of us
of have you've taken care of me
and of how I've admired you.

Whether I like it or not
I am like you
I walk the same way you do
I smile the same way you do
I probably react the same way you do.

still I strive for beinf different
even tough being like you comes naturally
and feels so comfortable

So I didn't take another picture.
I simply hung the older one in a new frame
i stared at it
and started walking towards home

2006-05-04T23:03:00.000-04:00

Welcome back
i know it's been a while
I was the one in charge of counting the days
remember?

Welcome back,
don't make that face like something went wrong
because nothing happened
nothing ever happens...

No...sorry..no big news around here...
remember that girl...well she got married
remember that guy...well..he moved to africa.
Me?...I'm still here.

Maybe this was a mistake.
i ought to have said hello and keep walking.
now, i don't even know if I'll wave hello...

I kept waving goodbye...until it turned into a hello that only lasts a second
to become again a goodbye.
I'm only hoping this wave will be the last one.
My hand is tired of waving.
I'll blow a kiss instead
so that it won't last..
so that it won't reach you
so that I can stop staring into the empty spot your shadow left.

Because that's all i saw from you... your shadow.

mourning

2006-04-28T00:45:00.000-04:00

Today I mourn the end of an era...
of memories made,
of stories told,
of healing hearts,
of watery eyes.

Today I say goodbye
today I let go and open my arms to the next treasured placed in my hand.
Today I'm taken away form your arms
Today I float in the air wating to be caught by the future.

Today I mourn you...
your contagious smile,
your challenging thoughts,
your caring heart,
and my love for you.

Love that will not disapear because you're gone.
Love that will grow...
trust that will be stronger.
And confidence that you're just paving the way.

Today I wipe my tears
I let go
I try to leave with you a last memory
a last laugh
a last tear
at last...

Soledad

2006-04-17T00:15:00.000-04:00

Loneliness is ungrateful
but you finally come to enjoy its taste
risking falling in love with it

Loneliness is a hotel that belongs to no one
it's a bed that's not mine
it's waking up at 3 am
and not knowing where's the bathroom

Loneliness is me

Loneliness is the drop of water dripping in the sink
which you left open
and which you don't want to turn off
just to not feel alone

Loneliness is an ingenious torture of nature
that makes us find ourselves
so we can value others

Loneliness is a mirror that doesn't lie

Loneliness is that bunch of sounds
that no one hears
but that make so much noise

Loneliness is me in company of the past

Loneliness is a kiss that's wasted on the pillow
it's to look at the shadow of somebody who's not here
Loneliness is a villain that I don't like
I don't really know why

Loneliness is to finally understand
that there is not better company than loneliness

Loneliness it's the funeral of a day that is gone
It's to stop doing nothing
getting up, getting dressed, opening the door
and going out to do exactly the same thing

Loneliness is the company of fear
of uncertain futures, of roads
of searches, of loneliness
~Ricardo Arjona~

tornado...and other things happening

2006-04-02T22:07:00.000-04:00

Who do you think you are?
to come and play with my mind.
to assume your the writer of my thoughts.
to pretend you've solved the riddle of my mind.

to show me as your prize.
to announce you've got me figured out.
to think that i'm just like them.

Who appointed you?
the holder of my heart.
the voice in my head.
the stupid smile on my face.

I'm probably the one who gave you that power
I think I've twisted you in my head.
I've made you who you're not,
and that person had made all this to me.

And why do I keep being mad at you?
Or, am I just mad at the world and I take it off on you?
maybe that's it.
you just happened to be there.

I doubt you'll want to be there.....tomorrow

Tomorrow which will become today just to turn into yesterday

2006-03-30T23:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, i cried but nobody saw
Yesterday, i sat around because i thought you had abandoned me
Yesterday, i felt inadequate and alone
Yesterday,
yesterday is gone
good, gone, done, never to come back

Today i smilled uncontrolably
today, i danced
today, i looked up and was blind by the sunshine
today, i finally felt the warmth of your embrace as I walked around and the sun was on my face
today, i thought again of the clues you've left along the way for me to find.
today, it's almost gone
today, i'm excited to find out what you have prepared for tomorrow.

Today will become yesterday.
yesterday will be erased and forgotten..even though you had planed an esplendid yesterday.
but I failed to see yesterday.

Tomorrow could be like today
tomorrow will eventually be yesterday.
tomorrow will come,
tomorrow will go
tomorrow will be itself

You will be tomorrow.

Yesterday, that's what i want to forget.
but don't let me forget that it was me who messed up yesterday.
Today, i can't get enough of today
Tomorrow...let me see you tomorrow, Lord

Tomorrow will rain...
let me dance in the rain...
let me smile to it and be blinded by the rainbow in the puddle.

Tomorrow which will eventualy be today just to turn into yesterday

a shade of gray

2006-03-15T23:32:00.000-05:00

I'm not much for reality tv....i would prefer to watch Gilmore Girls or friends any time instead of a reality show. But today is not about reality shows...today is about something else that start me thinking after watching this reality show...

"Black, White" is a reality show about two families (one white, and one black) that trade colors (with make up) adn live together to try to understand eachother and once again take a look at the racial issues that are still going on.
Let's start with this: Yes, racial issues are still a big deal. Racism exist. It is shown is somehow a different way than before, but it exists. And black people can be equally racist than white people.
Being politicly correct creates as many barriers as it breaks, this is about being truthful but respectful.

So, I am watching this show and I'm atonished at how little hope they have for eachother. These families have come together to help eachother's ignorance, but from the begining both seem to know the other is going to fail to see their point of view.

The Black family truly believes that everything the white family does is an act. Nothing seems to be genuine enough for them. If they raise their hands and say "amen" at church, they are perseived as impostors trying to be black. Have you thought that as white people they don't have the freedom to do that at church? If they raised their hands, dance, or shout amen they would probably be consider freaks in a white or black church...have you thought of that?

The white family is scared...they take very few risks at aproaching this black family...they're afraid to walk on an eggshell...and when they do...they just seem to jump on it and keep crashing the same shell...have you thought of listening A LOT??? have you thought of taking a risk even if that means you're gonna get a slap on your face??

believe me! the only way not to break an eggshell is not to move at all....if we do that...this society will go nowhere...
I am just as prejudice as I make others to be....that's the only for sure thing...
and you may ask who am I to voice my opinions and point at the problem...

I'm a person who was the majority for about 15 years...and after that I've been the minority...a diferent kind of minority group from time to time..(a simple foreigner, the MK, the international student, a hispanic)...been there...done that...

admit that you are equally, or more, racial than they are....admit that you're responding to their abuse with another kind of abuse....admit that you're afraid to ask....admit that you too judge them before they open their mouths...admit that you are willing to step on eggshells if that's what it takes for a step foward....admit that you don't know....

sight

2006-03-05T01:09:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why I'm able to see certain things.
ignorance is far worse than anything else...but sight brings about too many responsabilities.
Moving around shows you a couple of things...opens eyes and streches your mind.
The infinite knowledge either hardens your heart or breaks it into pieces..pieces that as they're gathered, they add whatever they've gained while being apart.
Soon enough you realize that you have more in you than you had before.
then the fear settles....
the fear of not responding to those pieces that have been added.
the fear to be blinded to them
the fear to forget...

even worse

the fear to fail to the responsabilities of the one abel to see

now I see...what am I supposed to do..make you see it too?

but what is IT?

IT is you....is the one sitting next to you...is the one accross from the street..the quiet, the loud, the shy, the outgoing, the funny, the grumpy,...

IT is me...

and

IT is you...

open up your eyes...uncross your arms...put them down...

and SEE

woundedness vs. brokeness

2006-01-24T19:29:00.000-05:00

And now i think, as I hear this man talk from what he has seen, what he has experienced.
and he said something to the effect of "being wounded and broken are two different things. A wound is something done to us. We had no saying in the decision. We are wounded by others. Brokenness is something we give ourselves to. We decided to be broken. Can their (the wounded's) woundedness break me?"

And I wonder if i can be broken by their wounds. He said, "we don't minister to the poor and wounded. We minister among the poor and wounded, because we realize our brokenness (or the need for brokenness) among theirs."

I am supposed to be able to recognize this wounds the first momment I see them, but I am not. The disciples didn't recognize Jesus who was stading on the other side of the lake. "If He (Jesus) gives me an opportunity to help the wounded, would I recognize Him in the opportunity?" or would I pass by seeing nothing else but a broken body, shattered hopes, and stunning truth of my life being not so bad after all???

Will I compromise to the "ADD, globalized, and googlelized society in which I live?" This man said that the church doesn't experice persecussion in the western countries. Oh yes, she does!!!!!! Just look at the ten commandments being removed from court houses, look at the phrase "in God we trust" being taken out of the pledge, look at school teachers being fired for simply having a Bible on their desks, look the people shouting out their "right for respect." The devil has disguised a perfect plan for subtle persecussion. And what is the church doing? giving into the persecussion! givign into the spirit of "respect" Was Jesus much concerned with "not offending"? He knew how to pick His battles that's for sure. But if He hadn't offended some people, He would not have been crucified. But why were this people offended??? Because they didn't like the truth. If we are going to violate somebody's right for "respect" let's do it so in the spirit of truth. Let's look at that 16 year-old girl who stand up an dreceives the biting because of her savior. If she must stand physical pain and injuries, let's at least honor that by accepting some rejection and some hurt in our ego because of the truth we believe in!

A walk

2006-01-23T20:26:00.000-05:00

I went for a walk today. I decided to walk the labyrinth, "a model of the path of my journey" The church has walked the labyrinth for many, many years with the idea of refocusing our lives. Coming back to th realization that our life is a journey, adn our goal is to arrive to the center, the essence of all, Christ.

"The labyrinth is a model we can walk -- a metaphor for a life's journey. But it is not a maze. A maze is a puzzle with twists, turns, and blind alleys...A labyrinth is unicursal - only one path. there are no blind alleys."

That is our spiritual life - an already set path that we simply have to follow. We feel as it we were in a maze because we cannot see far along enough to know were the next 20 steps take us. We can only see and be sure of where our next step is going to follow.
Many times I felt i was so close to reach the target. Man, was I wrong! A slight turn and I was in a completely different way. The target seem farther and farther away.

And the time came when I reached home. I walked around it, and I was comfortable. I did not want to leave. I did not want to leave the one who had so subtledly plan my every step. I realized His work, and I felt loved. But he sent me away, adn off i went to retrace my steps. This time it felt quicker. Not because I knew where I was going. But because I knew I didn't have to worry. He's traced my every step already.

" Your life is a sacred journey. And it is about change, growth, discovery, movement, transformation, continously expanding your vision of what is possible, streching your soul, learning to see clearly and deeply...And from here, you can only go foward, shaping your life story into a magnificent tale of triumph, of healing, of courage, of beauty, of wisdom, of power, of dignity, and of love."
Caroline Adams

Looking out the window

2005-12-31T09:08:00.000-05:00

I only turned my eyes from you for about 15 sec....not even that.
The sun that lit you face is gone leaving no proof of once having been there.
The calmed stillness of your face seems to disappeared with the fiery light. Now, the little life you have leaves without saying goodbye.
The coldness creeps in; the shadows are overcomed by the darkness that surrounds you. Soon, the one dying next to you is out of your sight; and even though, he's still there, the darkness filling your eyes and the deafening noise of silence isolate you from each other.
Now you whish....not knowing what to whish for. You have forgotten where you came from and despise the place you find yourself in.
With that I leave, but you never knew I was here. I probably was a product of your imagination.....or a thought that fights for your attention.

Christmas is gone....on this side of the world

2005-12-24T20:42:00.000-05:00

It's almost 4 am and in this part of the world (Romania), Christmas is gone. Two more weeks and I'll be back in Indiana (USA), back in school, back to everyone.
How, or who is going back is the question though...

While I was snowboarding yesterday, i felt once again the frustration of not being able to scape my torture. Blinded by the snow and the fogg, i was forced to keep going until I reached the bottom of the mountain. My back ached, my wrists hurt, and the snow was way too deep. A couple of tears watered my tired eyes as I struck the snow in a futile attempt to let my frustration be known. None of that was helpful. My only option was to get up and keep going. I reached the bottom, and soon, those watery eyes up there on the mountain seemed silly and somewhat a part of the coward me.....

Today, as if yesterday wasn't enough, I realized how much my ego could hurt. As if a comment or a "hello" mattered that much. Who knows what's going trough people's heads...I don't. Still...how much importance a place on "hello's" or "how are you's" (i don't think that made sense......oh well...)

I won't go to bed yet...I will look out the window...and wondered how many "hello's" or "goodbye's" Jesus didn't receive....then, probably mine will shrink before my eyes and life will go on....

unforgettable

2005-12-12T01:07:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days....one of the days when i miss wat too many things...when I miss way too many people...even those who I thought to have forgotten...
suddenly the slightest shadow seems to outline that smile that I've thought to have erased with other smiles...but I hadn't forgotten...

I haven't forgotten....it's hard to forget....it's hard to erase....it's easy to cover up....not easy to replace...

When it all comes to an end....no one wants to forget...or no one needs to forget...that is according to the logic that what we go trough are light pencil lines that trace a picture on paper...some lines are darker and bolder than others, but they all draw to the same goal...

Whether i want to forget or not...i cannot force myself, but i can let it rest...let the tide do as it wishes with my memories..they might awake rested and ready to wrestle with my logic...until then...goodbye to you...the everlasting unforgettable thought...

Expectation....inspite of...

2005-12-06T12:39:00.000-05:00

Despite the ice on the ground, my futile attempts to not fall, and the million things that I have to get done, it's a good day.
Despite the sense that I'm missing something, I feel complete.
Even though nothing interesting is going to happen, I can't help the feeling of expectation.

Expectation....

the wonderful feeling of waiting for something great to happen. For many, a ring on their finger, for others the job of their life. For me...I''m not sure. However, I keep living with my heart beating fast at the thought of something great happening. I can feel it....but I don't understand it.

But understanding is not all in life. We are ironic creatures. Our lives are full with irony that no one knows how to explain. Very few attempt to shade some light upon it, they come to no conclusions...just the fact that the beautiful contradictions make us who we are. They compose a wonderful masterpiece that we cannot help but stare at it in awe.
That's my God...the one who plagued this life with contradictions, and irony with the sole purpose of making me understand that He is God and that I cannot do anything but stare in awe.

and just like that...I'll continue with my day....expecting.

MY needful hands

2005-11-30T01:56:00.000-05:00

For those under the clouds
Staring up in awesome wonder
As tears come slowly down
I'm reaching up a needful hand

You are my eyes when I cannot see
You are my voice, see, sing through me
You are my strength in weakness be

To find that I could fall
And still your grace surrounds, pursuing
To freely stumble down
I feel your hands around my heart

You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
You are my strength, my voice, my eyes
I lift up needful hands
("needful hands" by Jars of Clay)

That's my God.....no doubt about it....the only, most awsome God.

frozen...crunchy ground

2005-11-17T21:32:00.000-05:00

Today i could feel the frozen ground beneath my feet....and i try to understand if it's because it's dying...
I want to belive it's just falling asleep....falling into a dormant stage of rest....not death...just rest...
my body still feels heavy.,.....even after it's defrosted.....
it's either that or my heart...or my brain....

and then I see myself as sitting next to a hospital bed clinging to the idea of a miracle...
suddenly and unexpectedly you open your eyes and finally look into mine...i look back at you....I look into the eyes of hope....
The heaviness fades for a while...I take a deep breath and continue living...thinking that I've made progress not knowing that I'll be sitting on that chair soon again....waiting for those eyes of hope to look at me again...so I can rest.....

diversity???....sure!!!! but depends whose diversity.....

2005-11-13T01:40:00.003-05:00

i just came back form the National Christian Multicultural Student Leadership Conderence (NCMSLC) at Wheaton College...
It was supposed to be a good time to charge batteries for the quest of bringing cultural awareness to our campuses....oh yeah....good intentions...but that's not exactly what I got out of it...

If you were looking for a short, my-life-is-miserable kind of blog....you may just skip this...this is going to be long...I can feel it...

So...the first day we come toguether...and it just seems like the perfect place where everyperson feels free to embrace their heritage and who they are....funny enough...it turns out that I c an embrace who I am becuase I'm hispanic....not caucasian....

This whole conference was SO unbalanced....focused on how we (as minorities) have been wronged and misunderstood, and oppresed....
everytime the word "white" came up, it was to denote how they've oppresed minorities, their ignorance, and intolerance.....
But I say...many latin americans are as ignorants as some white people...we DO close ourselves in our countries, and judge others according to the steriotypes we've been raised....
we accuse them of not learning other languages...but many people in latin american don't even know english...just because all of the countries surrounding them speak spanish....
I'm not saying all the injustice and misconceptions are our fault....but we do have some of the faul because of the way we're responded to thier misconceptions...to their treatment....

Don't come and tell me that you're trying to represent your race or etnicity....if you don't want to do it...hide among your people....don't come out of that bubble...coming out of it will make you uncomfortable...don't come out of it and later complain....
Why I hear some much complain about answering the same questions all over again???? That is simply ridiculous....Don't you have the same questions about them???
Why do you think that just because you've seen a couple of movies you know exactly what their culture is???
That is as wrong as the statement that everybody from Mexico down is a "mexican"

Don't tell me that just because you live in the US, you are diversed when you've been surrounded by your own people all the time...

Don't forget that just because you're not white....it doesn't mean that you cannot be racist...oh yes you can...belive me..look around you...don't just glance...acknowledge that we're racist against our own kind and against any other race....yes! there's a way out of it...but don't be the victim all the time....there's time to acknowledge your hurt.....your humiliation...but there is also time to admit our guilt....our fault...the way we''ve contributed to the problem...

And now here I am....thrown again to my normal routine...challenged to make the hispanic students come out of their hiding places....You're ashamed??? fine...I've been ashamed too....ashamed of being who I am....sad....i know...but I cannot hid...that's irresponsible from me....I'm crying out for time to talk to people...to find these people...where are they~!!!!!!

And now that I've puoured out my frustration.....what am I going to do??? I'm frustrated of how we pity ourselves...it's ridiculous....yes, there is injustice going on....steriotypes that don't allow us to progess...but think of all those people that are afraid to ask questions....even though they are truly interested.....but they're afraid to "offend" you...just because you're tired to represent....tired to answer questions....if that is the case....don't fight for cultural awareness and diversity....really don't....I wouldn't want to...

*sigh*
I told you it was going to be long ....
if you read it all...thanks...let me know what you think....if you didn't...I hope you read enough to get my point....I really hope you didn't get the wrong impression....
sadly enough......that is happening way to often lately...
So long...
~k~

late....

2005-11-03T01:30:00.000-05:00

It is extremely late...and my body is screaming for some rest....yet..my mind is fully awake and begs to work some thoughts out....
Once again i am hit by the fact that pain has a higher purpose than just hurting....not just in my life...but I'm seeing it in my friends...hurts that we have brought upon ourselves and hurts that others have caused inour life....
nonetheless...I'm being able to witness the beauty come forth from the ashes....
William Blake said, "Excessive sorrow laughs. Excessive joy weeps." I've seen them today.....
I've felt them...
the painful tears that are lost in our meaningless laugh....no...not meaningless....ironic...that's a better word...I will not understand why I laugh while i cry...or why tears fill my eyes while joy cannot be greater....
as I walked back from another encounter with this irony of life...i decided that it is time to enjoy it....enjoy the empty spaces that God has allowed in my heart....not try to find their meaning....but rather allow my mind to be amazed by the ironic result of those empty spaces.....an excessive joy that weeps.....
I will not regret the pain...i will probably regret what I did with the pain....but the pain in itself...i won't regret it...because my Savior had a purpose with it.....

"Excessive sorrow laughs......

...Excessive joy weeps...."

Taco Bell makes me laugh

2005-10-28T01:18:00.000-05:00

So, I've discovered again how much I enjoy little things in life. jess and I went to taco bell today, and luckily, I remembered that their salsa packets say funny things.I know...silly....but believe me,....they are funny...
here you have a couple...enjoy....I think it's funnier if you picture me lookign through all of the packets, choosing the one that I like, and randomly laughing.......
"Of all those sauce packets, why me? why now?"
"Bike tires scare me"
"Not to be used as a flotation device"
"When I grow up, I want to be a waterbed."
"Nice palm. I read a great deal of pleasure in your future"
"Does a grilled stuft burrito qualify you for the car pool lane?"
"If you throw this, would it be a flying saucer?"
"Where are you taking me?"
"Pick me! Pick me!"

Precious laughs...I know...i hope you enjoed it as much as I did....I do think the taco bell people think that I'm crazy....oh well...
~k~

I feel......pretty.....

2005-10-25T00:28:00.000-05:00

i wonder what makes you feel pretty.....
yesterday i was going to the library to work on some hw....I was not extremly dressed up....just the normal....but I felt SO pretty....like any guy who looked at me had to fall in love just because he glanced at me.....
......Wow.....
What was it? was it....i don't know....me? Maybe....I've changed quite a bit in the last days...for the good....my heart has bled to the point where it cannot bleed anymore...but that just made it produce newer, healthier blood....please don't be disgusted by all this blood talk....I'm sorry....
But you know .....it's great to feel this way.....even though no one says anything....He (my savior) says it everyday......
adn it's so much better to listen to Him than to some around you....
As Daver Barnes says about some....

"I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

Sometimes your words are thick as lead,
You swing them strong upside my head.
But what hasn't killed has made me strong,
So i'll take my scars and move along.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me.

Goodbye is the best way that I know,
To forgive and still be letting go.

I'd rather have sticks and stones and broken bones
than the words you say to me,
Cause i know bruises heal and cuts will seal
but your words beat the life from me. "

Sticks and Stones
Dave Barnes

A concert, no tickets, late wendy's, and a wierdo on the phone

2005-10-22T01:42:00.000-05:00

So here I am, after having spent a really good time listenign Shawn McDonald in concert. He's really good and has an amazing testimony of redemption. Now, it took a lot for me to actually enjoy that and all starts the same way, a very dark rainy night....

I love being dramatic. Are you sweating yet?...oh yeah...a favorit phrase...not cameron's though....

Katie, allie, and I, were driving to Huntington to watch Shawn Mcdonald...after being frustrated by slow drivers, and many calls to make sure we were going in the right direction....finally we get there...just to find out that they don't have my ticket, and that they had just sold out....

Horrible...tell me about it...Oh yeah..so we stood there....wondering...becuase at those times there's nothign better you can do...believe me...no words..just wonder...

They found my ticket, and some guy had an extra ticket, so we were able to get in...good thing....Shawn...great concert...that's all i'll say.

to Wendy's later....dinning room closes at 11.....ridiculous....so we sat there trying to not make eye contact with the people trying to get in.

I come back and the phone rings....Some wierdo who supossedly got transfered to my room, and decided that since we were on the phone, he would just have a conversation with me. I was like ..."mmmm well mmm i'm about to go to bed...."

Wierdo - "go to bed?! it's a friday night"
me- trying to be polite "It's been a long day"
W. - "Awww had a bad day? what happened? Are you ok?"
m - "mmm...haaa...."
W. - "Are you ok?"
m. - "well it feels wierd talking to someone i don't know"
w. "oh...ok...well....mmm...I'll let you go..."
m. "yeah...bye"

CREEPY!!!!!! no other words just creepy.....

so i finally decided to go to bed in order to avoid any other crazy spychos who randomly decided to talk to me.
And that was my friday....
Now I retrive myself to my room, my books, and good music...just so I can make up for the Gilmore Girls marathon lying ahead...oh yeah....
Good bye...
So long

my quotable frases

2005-10-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

I admit it...there is no time heather and I get toguether when there is nothing to quote or luagh at for the next three weeks.
most definitedly, mocha joe's is the place of choice for our display of laughter and sillyness. And for some strange reason pot always ends up having some part in our conversation.
Yes, Yes, I know what your thinking...and no...we do not smoke pot. How do I know you're thinking this....well...I'm just THAT good. yeah, yeah, thanks.
Anyway, here you have a couple.

Heather - Cute dog! makes seal noises while looking at my dog's pic.
Keren - It's a dog not a sea lion!!!

Jessica has been bugging me about having been smoking pot. It's three in the morning and smell something burning
K - Do you smell something burning?
Jessica - Keren, I knew you were smoking pot.
K - Heather! I told you not to put it in the toaster!!!

oh and many more to come....

Words....way too many...

2005-10-05T00:09:00.000-05:00

I wonder if my words are enough, I wonder if they will get lost in the darkness of my background. But still...let them cry out until somebody hears them.But since I'm not telling anyone about this "blog" have fun finding it....or finding out who I am.
The truth....well ...here it goes...I'm a soul in search of what God has for me. This search is making me anxious and preocupied but here I am still waiting fo rhim to show up. No...I am not a writer...but my hand hurts when I write down my thought in a journal...this is way more convivnient....
So here I go...crawling into my bed to ponder till I'm way to tired to ponder and I finally fall asleep...it will take a while...but hey!....what else is there to do? hw i guess....but I refuse...at least for the rest of my night...

But I will return to talk about the wheather....the squirrels...or just my repetitive wierd dreams about me falling from a very tall building....

A bientot!

Angry ....i guess

2005-04-10T01:27:00.000-05:00

I’m angry, angry at myself. Angry because I never learn, because I never grow. (even though some keep saying that I’m very mature. Not in my eyes, for me, as I see it right now, I’m still a child. A child that rejoices in living in castles made of nothing, embellished with dreams, and lightened by ignorance and naivety. My heart is aching, and I don’t even know why. I’m here, I’m trying to accommodate to them, to their expectations, but it’s not working. You know, I just want to know what going to happen. What’s out there for me. I’m tired of waiting, of dreaming awake, of asking, of looking, of thinking. That’s the worse, my thinking. My thinking that plays with me even though I promise myself again and again that I won’t allow that anymore. It’s always there, it always comes back to hunt me and my little heart. I want to hide in a corner, hide from the world, from him, from her, from them, and especially from you. I keep asking myself if it was because I didn’t say enough or because I said too much. If I left you too early, or if I bored you with my hello’s. Did I miss a chance for conversation? Who cares? I don’t, it is obvious that you don’t. That’s fine. Why am I so angry, if I don’t even know you? Who are you? Where are you? What’s your name? I don’t understand myself. Just give me a corner where I can wipe my tears without you knowing, a place where the world won’t notice my cry. Where I can’t be afraid of you or your friends finding me. I’ll be fine…..I know I’ll be fine. …..